The forecast says it will be 50. I'm hoping for about 52 so i can go running. It's about 40 now but gorgeous outside. It's actually way fucking colder in the house than it is outside. I got home about 3 am and woke up about 6 from a bad dream. I've tried to roll back over and go back to sleep all this time but I am always restless and fitful after having nightmares and end up staring at the back of my own eyelids. I think the only one who ever was roused by one of my horrid dream times was Ken and that was only once when he had to wake me because i was crying in my sleep. In the last 12 years, my nightmares dwindled in number almost to nil. When Ken died, i had dreamless sleep which proved very disturbing and left me haunted for a bit. Now, I think they come on from stress and fear. Even with D, with whom I felt the most safe, I've caught myself crying in my sleep.

Most of the time, I have SOMETHING on and playing. Something funny or pleasant because my mind usually takes that input and incorporates into my slumber. And while I can't recall a lot of my pleasant dreams, the nightmares are vivid and linger longer.

They shake me to my core and have a realism and import that is a bit bizarre to me. They are relevant and nagging - like something is making me face certain things or intent on working out problems I've been procrastinating on.

Sometimes I fear sleeping.

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Oh sweet jesus, did I have fun. I had a crowd of friends there, a ton of food and a shitload of fun st the Rat Hole. I have a goodly amount of free alcohol in me, we played pool, and just had the most wicked good time. I have pics if i can ever get a computer to put them up with. It was a hell of a game. We screamed and cheered and I was cleaved unto bosoms and shown lots of love.

I'm so hoping this is a family that I can keep for a while. They made me feel unafraid and joyous. And football kicks fucking ass. After the festivities died, a friend and I went to the waffle house to eat whatever meal comes between Superbowl Pigout and breakfast. We talked and I got a lot of things off my chest. He listened and gave really good advice. I told details and stories which probably guarantee D is never going to forgive me for, but it wasn't done out of malice. I've never had shame in my game, or really a filter that keeps stuff from falling out of my brain onto my tongue. Just a pitfall of knowing me, I guess.

God, I guess I'm ready for another day. I wasn't sure I was, but its coming anyway.

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Let's just tally the shit 2010 has wrought, shall we?

Lost the man I love dearly
Lost my Old Mill family
Computer died, my lifeline and my life
Ran out of heat
Foreclosure started on me, so my renter income soon will be gone
Probably can't afford to live here for much longer
and forgot to pay utilities, praying they don't shut the power off.

...as a friend commented, thats a big old bag of suck.

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It's official. I am being foreclosed on.

Just spiffy.

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So, this morning I was pretty forlorn, and very melancholy. I had that familiar D-ache and I was dreading the day. It was SUPPOSE to be horrible weather. So, I cocoon in bed wishing my life was different, in essence, feeling fucking sorry for myself.

Then I look outside. Blue sky, sunshine and some heat.

Knocked me flat on my ass, the wave of joy I had. I may even run tomorrow. And there's GONNA be some football, oh yeah baby! I still have juice in my soul. It still bubbles up and it still makes me dance.

Took a shower, planned for some long overdue cleaning and excitedly waiting for my new computer. I took the time to even send a small something to the relief effort for Haiti. I really can't afford it but its the right thing to do. The universe hasn't let me fall down and not get up, so I want to help those who can't.

I yearn to be at Macworld to see my other "family". I miss everyone so. I wonder if i will be back on my feet by this time next year (i fucking better be). I'm toying with the idea of a layover in Wichita on the way to San Francisco. That's pretty farfetched since Dodah is in a blackhole when it comes to air travel destinations.

I really feel great after seeing the sunshine - i don't know if its psychological or even chemical. I'm just am grateful for this little miracle.

*** dammit ***

dammit dammit dammit
forgot to pay the power bil

Ran downtown to pay it. I'm hoping I'm in time.

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Oh crap. Looking at the weather forecast, it appears its going to be horrendously wet and cold. The next couple of days looks rainy and snowy. The weekend highs will ne up to 44 but the low around 20. I might be missing the Superbowl, I don't know. If it stays dry and sunny Sunday, I'll hike on down to the Rat Hole and watch the game. I really do like football and learned a lot more about the game this season other than "Red team win, GOOD" (thanks, D).

I must REALLY get out of the habit of calling it the Rat Hole, because I've met a lot of good and accepting people down there.

I'm cold. I've lost a lot of weight (which delights and concerns me). I know its from stress and a kind of mourning. It's similar to when I lost Ken though not as severe. Since there are not batteries for my scale, i can only estimate i've lost about 15 pounds because the pants I've fit 15 pounds ago are fitting me now. I try to choke down something a day but I usually can't keep much more than that down, if you don't count beer. For some reason, the beer is not adding to my girth. At most in the last three weeks, I've had about 1,000 calories a day (heh, if beer is involved) and in the last two days, I've downed about 500. Yeah, that's messed up. Just can't keep shit down, though.

This whole thing has messed me up even worse than I was before. In July, I was coming out of it - I was eating right and working out, even in that giant fit of depression I was in. I was almost on my feet. That fourth of July night, I ALMOST gave the big D a fake number. I considered it. He had talked to me and I just was my charming self back. It's ALMOST ALWAYS pleasant when someone finds you attractive. And what the hell, i let the real number fly.

July, I was running (as much as i could with a blown out tendon), I was eating, and i was really close to pulling it all together. Wish I could go back, there's a bunch of things I would adjust, and some things I would have changed.

Oh, I've been asked about the Rant and in essence, when are you going to get off this shit about X or why are you so repetitive about Y. Answers of sorts to the inquiring minds:

Reasons why I write the Rant:

It's cold. And you know how much of a fan i am of cold. Still typing on this iPhone which, after this past experience, I am extraordinarily astounded at and extremely lucky to have. My digital connection to what I call the real world. It's let me stay in touch with friends, entertained me, been the needed noise to stave off the silence, let's me write albeit quite torturously... I've even watched the last two weeks of Conan, listen to fucking HOURS of KQED, and fourteen episodes of the original Bionic Woman.

A real computer is only five days away from being ordered, and there will be one domino down in my latest monolithic garden. I am being kept warm by a couple of dogs, a space heater and the amazing caring of friends. My legs are sore with the welcome familar pain that I get from running yesterday, and a lot of the stress and anxiety I've been under has drained away. I still get the aches and pining for him, but it is all easier to handle now. There is a bit of finality surrounding it all, although I am mighty proud to say that I will always love him - he was and will always be quite a man to me. I am facing the fact he wasn't the idealize image you have of your love just right after you split with them. I am definitely remembering all the things that annoyed me, all the things I accepted that weren't quite right, all the little things I gave him a pass on and all the things we were far apart on. Still. Whatta guy. He'll probably find his perfect Ellie-May someday. I'm just too Fifth Element chick for that.

Can't wait for the new laptop. A screen without black globs of dead pixels, a port board that doesn't shut the fucker down when you waggle the firewire cord, an "n" key that is firmly attached to the clip. I do have so much sentimentality invested in the dead one. It's the laptop that was bought after Ken died. It has seen so much and been through so much with me - through airports and countless motel rooms. It was what I wrote the last two years of my life down with. Hell, i accidentally ran over the goddamn thing with the Monster Monte in Tennessee.

I'll never throw it away, i guess. It will be a token that i carry to remind me of this small piece of my life, a long dead companion that I keep like the ashes of loved ones I keep on the shelf.

But. A new chapter, a clean slate, a new laptop. God bless this iPhone, though, i must have had one short period of good sense when i had decided to buy this.

Or maybe.

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It was a warm 52 degrees in the land of the heeing haws. Since i was in a grand 'fuck it' mindset and the sunshine felt good, i took my first run of 2010 and it was more than awesome. I ran through town to the track through my graveyard and even got to flip somebody off. I had the most intense runner's high and my legs held up extremely well. I think if my stamina matched my strength, i could have done three extra miles. As it was, i did about four miles total, about three and a half hours of just working out, in the coldest weather I've ever attempted. You just can't imagine how good I felt. I danced as i ran, sang as i travelled, and the steel in my legs that i created this summer was still there, but even more fortified since all the injuries. I churned with energy and i couldn't stop smiling.

After all that, I dropped in at the Rat Hole. The place is growing on me, and i guess i am growing on them. Played in a nine ball tourney, and saw some Old Mill family that showed up. Friends who were worried about me, got me heat and I really had emense joy in the sunshine. No offense to the big D cause I love him beyond words, but I felt young again today. And alive. For the past three months, i really didn't. Don't get me wrong, it was something I wanted, and something I allowed to happen to me - but I bent towards him so much, i let myself age and i let myself accomodate the situation. Because of love. I am on just this side of 40, although truth be told, I'm nowhere near being that old, or adult. He was two years from being 50, and although he possessed a lot of the stability and security I needed, I guess my youth, in all its flawed package is something he had no use for and couldn't nurture. I felt so alive today - could be the sunshine, could be the company i keep now, but i felt so free today.

Too bad the sunshine goes away tomorrow.

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Once you decide to go ahead and flip out, its a most liberating experience. I don't have to worry if I'm angering or annoying people with my behavior, I don't have to worry if I've done something they can 'handle', for the ones who understand will let you flip out to a large degree and still be there for you. It's likened to that good friend who holds your hair back when you puke after too many appletinis.

Thusly, yours truly decided she had hit bottom and had a very big "fuck it" attitude knocked into her. Even when I woke up with no freaking heat, this morning - ostensibly freezing my goddamn ass off. It pretty much sent me into a demented Woody Woodpecker laughing fit off and on for the rest of the day. I decided there's avalanche of shit i have on my plate, and maybe i should care about the shit I CAN shovel, and fuck the rest. Computer - yes, that a certainty and coming next week. The heat - um... We'll muddle through with a space heater and two smelly but very warm dogs. Foreclosure? Taxes? Money? Car? Can't really do much about all that right now, but they got a place in the queue. And my yearning and love for the big D? Still there but now that life has slammed me with the real bullshit, that other is so much easier to ignore. Old Mill? Gone and missed. My lacking cooth, politeness, or a held tongue? Oh FUCK THAT FIFTEEN WAYS TILL FRIDAY. I'm a great girl most of the time, a hellion some of the time, and can only offer mea culpas/attrition when I go too far. But, being older than Methusula, there's very little chance I'll change. I was asked if D wanted to take me back, would I go? Hmmmm. Yeah, i would - but if it don't happen, life is going on, and thinking about, its going on with vigor.

I can definitely say the last three weeks was the shittiest time I've had since Ken died, but it also was a cleansing of a sort - a swift spiritual kick to the head. Burn the fucker down and time to build something better.

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You got to be kidding me? Right?

Fuck.

So, I've resigned from sanity yesterday. Really. I had thought i had hit rock fucking bottom. Just dead bottom. Everything that I cared about, except for my dogs and beer had been taken from me. Just me and my insanity was left. Then i notice the house was unusually cold. I'm out of heating oil. Because it has been unusually cold this winter, the amount i bought that lasted me three and a half months last year, only lasted two months this year.

That's $300, minimum for them to even come out to put 100 gallons in there.

Funny, I've been careful not to say "WHAT ELSE COULD GO FUCKING WRONG?"

Really, JESUS FUCKING FIBERGLASS CHRIST, are you absolutely SHITTING me?

***** a minute later ********

my mistake. I said "what the hell else could go wrong" about a week ago...

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